I'm just not sure.
It'll be two months tomorrow that Aaron and I have been married, and I still haven't legally changed my name. In all sincerity, it is simply because I have not yet found the time to visit the dreaded Social Security office.
The problem, however, is that this waiting period has allowed me time to stew over my decision. Needless to say, I am torn.
I have been Tina Amato since I was born. I have been at or near the top of every roll call. My name has been announced into microphones and loudspeakers. I have gotten pieces of writing published under my name. My birth certificate, my high school diploma, my college degree-- they all read Tina Amato.
My family's last name is Amato. I have no brothers, nor any male cousins on my father's side save the children of my aunt (who is now a Spetta and not an Amato), so the Amato last name will no longer pass on in my geneology.
When my mother gave up her maiden name, Bertolino, she was giving it up for a name with similar ethnic and customary ties. She was sad to change it, she tells me, as she felt my father's name was ordinary compared to hers (and it is-- there are thousands of Amatos in the U.S., especially in New York, but only a few hundred Bertolinos). But she made her decision knowing her identity would not be entirely shaken. No serious upheaval would occur.
If I decide to take Aaron's last name, I will be Tina Jay. Two whole syllables lost. My glaring ethnicity lost. My family's name lost.
I realize that, in marrying Aaron, it is only logical to say that we have started our own family and thus my old last name is inconsequential, but unfortunately that's not how we Italians think. My third cousins are family. My parents' friends who have known me since I was an infant-- they are family. My parents and sister will always be, in my head, MY FAMILY. Giving up my name feels like I am giving up my connection to them.
Aaron wants me to do as I wish. He is allowing me to make this choice, and he says he will be happy with the decision I make. Nonetheless, I still feel obligated somehow to take his name. I feel as if I am not committing to him and the family we are starting if I choose to remain an Amato. Even worse, our children will bear only his name (which is something he does feel strongly about... and what male raised in a patriarchal society wouldn't), which would further alienate me, not to mention confuse the kids and make legal and educational proceedings more difficult.
I briefly considered hyphenating, but it still doesn't sound right to me. There is no ring to "Tina Amato-Jay."
I have to go one way or the other, and I fear that I am leaning backward. What would it mean for me to keep my name? Am I not committing myself fully to Aaron if I don't change it? Am I denying our connection, even the marriage itself? It's funny how I never think of other women who keep their maiden names in this context, but I am imposing these ideas on myself.
I love him.
I love my last name and all it represents.
Can I have both without the guilt of letting him, and perhaps society, down?
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2 comments:
I totally promise I'm not super stalking your blog...well maybe a little...Joe and I have been married since November...I changed my name on my drivers license a month ago...and still haven't gone to the SS office....it's changed on my bank cards/accounts...but none of the utilities or my credit cards or my work info and only reluctantly on my facebook.
I feel like it's a way for me to cling to my own personal identity a little longer. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. But damnit...I LIKE BEING ME! And I somewhere fear that by changing my name I'm changing who I am, and denying my own personal identity as an independent woman with her own ambitions and goals and dreams...and identifying myself only as part of a partnership symbolic of a patriarchal society. I'm no longer a woman...now I'm a wife, and while I entered (i.e. dove headfirst exuberantly) that voluntarily...the feminist in me fights against it daily. Ok I'm done rambling...I should probably post some of these thoughts on my own blog rather than cluttering up yours!
It certainly is a tough choice you have! There is no right or wrong answer, only what works best for you. When I got married, I did not change my name. You know my full name and that it is unique.
My then-husband was *not* happy about my decision, but I was up-front and honest, and never waivered on my viewpoint. I asked him if he would like to change his last name to mine and he said "No way" and I replied "Now you know how I feel about changing my name to yours". I had my name for 25 years before I got married, and it was/is part of who I am.
I have a friend who got married and changed her name willingly. About 6-8 months later, she had become so distraught over it that she changed it back!
I have another friend that made his wife's last name his middle name - so they both had the same middle name and his last name.
I feel that the wife changing her name is old-fashioned - the tradition started when the wife was seen as the husband's property. I'm by no means saying that is still the case, but I just don't see the point anymore. If the wife likes his name better than hers, or wants to for any reason, I say go for it!
In this day and age, people have been married, divorce, remarried sometimes and kids and parents often have different names from each other. I think that confusion resulting is minimal and that shouldn't be the driving force to change it.
Every now and then, my then-husband was called Mr. U becausethey thought I had his name. Sometimes I was called Mrs. D as if I had his last name. So? Depending on who it was, most of the time we didn't even correct them.
I think it is wonderful that Aaron is willing to let you take your time and decide what is right for you. I wish you the best on your journey.
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